


Beau Ideal

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anorexia, F/F, Genderbending, Humanstuck, Russian Girls Boarding School AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-02-14 01:16:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2172456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"An angel; or, if not, an earthly paragon."</p><p>Eridan Ampora finds herself confronting her obsession with perfection. </p><p>Sollux Captor finds herself confronting Eridan Ampora.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Look

**Author's Note:**

> Paragon (n) - a person or thing regarded as a perfect example of a particular quality.
> 
> Hello there! If you're new, welcome! If you know me from SIS or the L Word then hello again! I'm quite happy to see you again! 
> 
> Please leave feedback when you are finished reading this first chapter :) It is greatly appreciated.

****

The only thing you can think about is how to move your body. Stretching, bending, twirling and stopping carefully.

Remember to breathe.

You always forget to breath.

The room is quiet, a large echoing space with mirrors on the walls. A barre across the right side of it and shiny wood floors. Your only company is your reflection. You stufy yourself, running your fingers over each part of your body. Your hair, which is the darkest brown, is clipped back from your face. A royal violet leotard, embroidered with a little E.A. on the very back. You sigh and stand up straight, taking the bobby pins out of your hair.

Ballet is your favorite thing to do. It’s the only thing that can ever be perfected.

You hate imperfection.

You hate the small freckles across your nose and you hate your breasts, too big for ballet but too small for…anything else really. You hate how your knuckles bulge a little on your piano fingers. You hate that you can’t see without your glasses, which are laying on top of the small stereo you brought in, and you can’t wear contacts because you don’t like putting your fingers near your eyeballs. At least Papa could buy you a fashionable pair.

Unfortunately you get teased about Papa being able to buy everything for you. You do love him, but he is one of the reasons why you hate imperfection.

Thinking gets you down.

You slink over to the stereo and turn off the Tchaikovsky—baby stuff, but you enjoy the simplicity of your old dances. You put your glasses on and take your point shoes off, going through a routine of undressing in front of yourself and pulling on your school uniform. It’s white socks and blouse, flag blue skirt and blazer paired with a burgundy tie and black shoes. Russian flag in tint.

It is 5:45 A.M., Moscow time. You attend the Fyodorovna Boarding School for Young Ladies and your first class starts in fifteen minutes. You know the others girls are up too, at breakfast.

You often forget to eat. You want to be perfect.

You pick up your bag and walk out of the studio, through the dance wing and to breakfast. You scan the hall and then make your way to the table across from where she sits.

The girl you loathe.

Sollux Captor.

You hate her name. You hate her straight blonde braided hair. You hate her naturally skinny body, besides her chest. You hate her normal fingers and you hate her piano skills. She wants to play the keyboard but those kinds of electronics are not allowed at FBSYL. Her classical playing is perfect though, and you hate her for it. She has special permission to have a laptop in her room, you hear, because her parents want her to learn how to hack into major systems and you’re pretty sure she might be a rebel politician’s daughter. Maybe she’s going to work for the rebel party.

You don’t hate her naturally big tits, which the teachers don’t even approve of. You wouldn’t want your own that big; you wouldn’t be able to dance. You don’t hate her sloppily cut bangs and her big front teeth. They make her top lip stick out so she has a sort of ducky look, like a famous singer.

Your friends, who are few, are also friends with her and you hate it. You hate that they like her and you hate that you don’t. Karkat seems to hate everyone but she and Sollux have a special cynical connection that makes them closer than you will ever be with anyone.

Your only real friend lives at the Boys Academy. His name is Feferi and he also swims. You have gone to the Christmas balls together.

You’re half of a virgin because of those dances. Vriska, another boy, finger fucked you one night in the hall, strung you along with love letters and then dumped you cold and dry the next time you saw each other.

You eat one bite of an apple and hand the rest to Karkat, who is bitching about waking up so early. She’s been doing this since you were both twelve and you are currently about to turn seventeen. She actually likes the boarding school because she can shoot a gun and make friends. You, on the other hand, are just there to study. Study school, study ballet. Study yourself.

“Eridan, are you even listening?” Karkat snaps in your ear. You shake your head. You’re watching Sollux talk to one of the Strider sisters, a smirk on her face. Her teeth make her smile a little too big. Lucky you, getting perfect teeth.

“Time for classes!” A teacher claps from the front of the room. All of the girls get up in unison. The first years gather the plates to go wash them. You straighten your skirt and follow Karkat down the hall, watching Sollux walk away. You wrinkle your nose and duck into your Dutch class.

\--

She arrived when you were sixteen. She’s from a Dutch family, not pure Russian like you. Your school is full of international girls as it’s one of the best in Europe. Only about a third of you are actually Russian. They all speak fluently, however, and all of you take classes in a different language of your choice. You aren’t sure why you chose Dutch in the first place.

You often find yourself thinking about Sollux Captor. You believe it to be a female thing, hating another girl and thinking about it so much. She just rubs you wrong.

You don’t fight verbally. You fight with pins and needles and reputation. You get along on the rarest of occasions.

The thing you’re fighting the most is this feeling, however. It’s strong and boiling, in your chest. If anyone knew…you would die.

She’s exactly what you don’t want to be, but you _want_ her.


	2. A Glance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are not rushed, you just don't notice them

When you get back to your dorm at the end of the day you have to remind yourself to breathe again.

Every day is the same. Every fucking day.

You hate it.

You get up, dance, go to classes, forget to eat, forget to breath, forget to learn. You think about Sollux Captor and perfection.

The matrons come around to make sure you’re doing your homework. You are allowed to have your cellphone for five minutes to call your father. One of the matrons watches to make sure you aren’t fooling around with the call.

The conversation goes quite quickly. Your parents don’t care as long as you’re getting good grades and not getting into trouble, like your sister Cronus.

“Hello? Papa?”

“Good Evening. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine. I’m about to start my dress for the ball.”

“Don’t waste your time. I’ll write into the headmaster and send you one of your sisters dresses. You need to focus on your studies.”

“I am.”

“Do you have one-hundred percent all around?”

“…I have ninety-seven.”

“You need one-hundred.”

“I know…”

“Get to work, Eridan.”

“Yes, Papa.”

The dial tone leaves the tiniest lump in your throat. You hand the phone back to the matron and she walks out of the room. You sit down at your desk and lean over your books. You spend around three hours studying and doing homework. At exactly ten-o’clock the lights go out and you’re supposed to go to bed. You turn your flashlight on and change into you pajamas. Five minutes after lights out there’s a shuffling near your head.

The girls at the Academy have figured out a sort of slow texting system. There are little holes in the walls that some older girls in the 90’s made. They’re at the head and the foot of your bed. The mail system goes on for about an hour. You rarely get notes, but you’re often the passer of them. You used to read all of them but you don’t care enough anymore.

Only the girls in your dorm, on your side of the dorm, can pass it along. All the same age, all generally friends.

You sit up and pass them through. You might not like the girls but there is a certain comradery between all of you that you won’t break.

_Tavros_

_Dara_

_Natalya_

_Karkat_

_Dara_

_Karkat_

_Anastasia_

_Dara_

You think that Karkat might be harboring something for Dara Strider. You often are passing the little rolls of paper to-and-fro with their names and hand writing.

_Eridan_

These notes. These are the ones you wait for and hate. You open it and swallow thicky.

_‘eat’_

\--

You started getting these notes at the beginning of the year. Each and every night.

_‘eat’_

Sometimes they would appear on your class notes, little reminders.

You know who sends them, but you don’t want her to know you know. You just want to know why she sends them in the first place.

You don’t want her to tell you that you’re falling apart. You don’t want her to tell you that you’re the only one who can fix you.

You don’t want her to tell you that you aren’t perfect.

\--

Tonight you will write back.

_‘why?’_

Your ‘w’ curls into itself so it looks like waves. You wrote her name on it and push it through the hole in the wall.

As you wait for a reply your brain goes on overload.

You are not a lesbian. You like boys. You like men. You are not a lesbian.

You just like Sollux Captor a little more, though.

It comes back, your own note.

_‘eat, eriidan.’_

_‘why?’_

_‘because you’re dying.’_

_‘I am not.’_

_‘you wiill, iif you don’t eat. Death won’t make you perfect.’_

_‘what do you know about perfection? You are far from perfect.’_

_‘perfection doesn’t exiist. Only paragons.’_

_‘what is a paragon?’_

_‘you are a paragon.’_

You send her a few more notes but you don’t get an answer.

\--

You sleep later than expected and only just make it to breakfast. Sollux looks tired and surprised when you sit down in front of her. You grab the bowl of boring old oatmeal and spoon a little bit of it into your mouth. The taste makes you gag a little. She watches you, staring you down until you finish the entire bowl.

She doesn’t say a word to you, just pushes an apple in front of you. You eat half of it, but you feel like throwing up. You put it down and she looks satisfied.

At exactly six thirty the hall starts clearing out. You follow Sollux, grabbing her arm, “I thought you hated me.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“Yes you do.”

“No, I don’t.” She rips her arm away and glares at you. There’s pity in her eyes, “I hate what you’re doing.”

“I ate today.”

She sighs and her choppy bangs wisp up. “You don’t understand. One breakfast isn’t going to do it. You have a ballet body, so stop trying for one. You’re fine.”

“I feel like throwing up.” You blurt. She stares at you like you’ve grown horns. She raises her eyebrows, “Work through it. You’re strong. Eat lunch and dinner and breakfast with me for a week and I’ll leave you alone. And I’ll stop hating what you’re doing.”

“Why do you think I care if you hate me?”

“Because you don’t hate me. You just hate aspects about me. And I do you.”

You swallow and nod slowly, “I’m confused.”

“I just needed to stop it all.”

You step back and away, “Why do you care?”

“I don’t want to watch you die.” She whispers. “You love me, I know you do, Eridan.”

“I don’t love you.”

“Yeah. Sure.”

You step back again and feel your breakfast rise. You turn away and hurry into the washroom.

Why would she care? Because she doesn’t want to watch you die? What a bullshit response. You wash your face and prop your glasses up on your head.

You can’t explain love. Neither can she.

The only reason you would love Sollux Captor is because she shows that she cares about you. And you realize that you do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hullo! 
> 
> Any feedback would be great <3 Thank you So MUCH for what I have so far.


	3. A Gesture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Properties of Equality

You’ve never skipped a class in your life but today is the day you have to break your own rules of being a perfect student.

Right after a night of no sleep and a lot of fretting over whether or not you like girls, specifically Sollux Captor girls, you grab said girl and pull her into the washroom. She’s struggling a little, grumbling about how she has Latin and you need to let go of her. You shove her into the sink, bunching the front of her blazer up and look her square in the face. You have to get on your toes to look her in the eyes. Her breasts are glaringly obvious to your fingers, but getting sexual is not in your best interest.

“Talk to me, NOW.” You snap, shaking her collar. She groans and tried to push you off, but you keep her against the sink. You’re stronger than her, from all your dancing, so you can keep her there.

“Fine.” She finally sighs, “But if we get caught out of class you are taking full blame.”

“I know you skip class all the time, Sollux, the matrons won’t check the bathrooms until they know and by that time we’ll be back in class.” You grit your teeth. “So tell me now, are you in love with me?”

“No.” She’s telling the truth. You let her go, hands going to her wrists. You drag her to the last stall and lock the door. You sit on the top of the toilet, shoes resting on the sides on the seat. She leans against the door and sighs, “Do you want the short version or the long version?”

“The long.” You cross your arms.

Sollux takes a deep breath and rubs her temples like this is the last thing she wants to do. “I am not in love with you. I pity you, Eridan. You’re starving yourself to try and become something that doesn’t exist. You’re fine the way you are.”

“Pity and love are the same thing, aren’t they?” You say, sounding desperate. “You want to protect me from—“

“From yourself. I can’t fix you.”

“I didn’t say you were to.”

Sollux sighs again and rubs her temples, “Look…do you really want the whole story?”

“Yes.” You nod vigorously.

“I may have to kill you after I tell you.” She groans.

“That’s okay. Tell me.”

“When you first came here you used to be a little…I don’t know, you didn’t talk as much and you had meat on your bones. And I liked you. And then you started to dance and showed that you could be a real fucking bitch, but somewhere in me liked that.” Sollux looks down at the floor, “I admired you, in a way. And if you tell anyone this, I WILL kill you. Anyway, when you started to stop eating…I guess it scared me? But I kept on liking you because you were this fucking force of nature, nothing could stop you at all, it seemed. But now you’re falling apart.” She pauses and chews the inside of her cheek. After a moment Sollux looks back up at you, “I…I don’t know how to feel about you anymore.”

You close your eyes, feeling tears well up against your eyelids. You can fight them, but your voice still cracks, “Why do you think I love you?”

“Because you eat when I say so. Because I don’t love people who won’t love me back.”

“You love me?” You look up at her.

“I could.” Her eyes dart around the stall. “Maybe.”

“I don’t love you. I just want you to care.”

“And why would you want me to care?” She raises an eyebrow. This girl can play you like a violin. You break down, hiding your face in crossed arms, “Because I want your approval.”

“Why do you want my approval?” Sollux whispers. You can feel her coming closer to you.

“Because I want you to love me?” You start to shake a little, breath hitching.

“And why do you want me to love you?” She puts a hand on your back. You start to prickle. Is she playing you? Shit…you’re ready to punch her…but you wouldn’t be able to. You swallow thickly and lift your head, “I guess I do love you...?”

Sollux breathes and leans in to kiss your cheek softly. It’s right next to your mouth, freezing you. You turn red and narrow your eyes, “Do not play with me, Captor. I know you’ve just analyzed the shit out of this but—“

She kisses you on the mouth. You want to kiss her back but you also want to punch her in the face. You pull away and put your hand up to your mouth, “Don’t do that if you don’t mean it.” You sniff, welling up again.

“I never said I didn’t. I’m not IN love with you.”

“But…you love me?” You get confused, your eyebrows knitting together.

“Yes.”

“So….”

She shakes her head, “You can’t do anything about it yet as you’ve only just realized. I, on the other hand, have been working on this equation for almost….well, for a while.”

“I’m an equation to you?” You hiccup.

“Yes. Equations always have answers. Why do you think I like math?” Sollux tilts her head. “Because math is perfect.”

You stare at her and she gives you a little smirk before opening the door, slipping out of the bathroom.

You are completely and absolutely shell-shocked. You don’t move from where you are on the toilet top until the matron comes into the bathroom. You don’t get in trouble because you’ve been crying and she’s one of the nicer ones. The matron pats your head and tells you to get to class. You nod slowly and walk out of the bathroom.

You touch your tear tracks and murmur to yourself, “So…if math is perfect and I’m an equation….” The grin on your face could probably melt rock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are little holes in here, they will be filled by SEX and TEARS  
> AHA
> 
> feedback would be awesome!!!! <3


	4. Lie To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> behind these eyes are these lies
> 
> sexual language

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry this is so late...like SO LATE...but I've gotten on top of this story and I've decided to take the plot in a little bit of a different direction....as in I've got a boat load of ideas for how this could go. BUT the thing is that since it's a different gender fic I'm a little nervous about it all. Your support is much appreciated. THank you to everyone who commented/kudosd/etc....please comment on this and tell me what you think <3

Your success with your project is one of the only things that makes you happy with the day.   

Perhaps it started with your mother and her obsession about how you eat, how you excersize, how much body fat to muscle ratio you have. You hated it, the constant calorie counting and portion control. She projected her own insecurity onto you and your sister, who was effected much worse.

You do not love Eridan Ampora. You are a good liar, though. Maybe if you can control her you can control herself.

She’s your science experiment because she’s so transparent. You know what to say to make her happy. You know what to say to make her hate you. You took the interest in her when she showed how cut throat she could be, controlling younger girls and getting them to do her bidding. If you could control her then you would be more powerful than your mother or your sister could’ve imagined.

You know why Eridan has a crush on you, but only because of the facts, not because you’re vain (far from it.) It’s a chemical love that she holds for you, but she doesn’t know that. It’s the scandal against her father, the illusion that someone cares about her more than herself. You knew she would be hooked if you showed even the tiniest interest in her.

Oh what a lovely tangle of thorns.

\--

You always knew that you liked girls more than boys. You correspond with a South African boy named Aradian from the brother school and it’s just a friendship on your end. Feferr caught your eye at the last Christmas Ball but his partner was more in your interest.

You will admit that though she’s a pain in the ass, Eridan is nice to look at. You admit to only yourself that sometimes you’ll wake up with your hand down your pajamas and her in your mind. But the attraction is just physical and that’s one of the perks of her being the subject of your project. It’ll be a score for you if she discovers her sexuality at your hands.

The small innuendo makes you smirk and Karkat, who is sitting across from you in the library, gives you a funny look. You push your glasses up your nose and make a face at her. She snorts and closes her book, speaking rapidly about your audacity to distract her with your atrocious face. Karkat is German and when you were little you spent some time in Germany, so you can communicate easily. With some of the others it’s hard – Like Dara, who Karkat gets frustrated with because she refuses to speak at least Russian (which is a required language) or her butchered version of German, but she sticks to French when she wants to annoy the fuck out of Karkat.

Karkat stands up and starts depositing her books in her bookbag. You both have a double free period because the music teacher is sick (he’s old and wheezy). Karkat is only in music because if she had to pick a mandatory extra activity, she says she’d rather sit down and play cello than flounce around in a tutu or embroider or leap hurdles.

You stand and pack up as well, “Where to, huh?” You ask as she parades out of the library.

“I’m fucking hungry.” Karkat complains. “I have a kitchen hookup, see, and if I don’t use it soon I’m gunna parish right here on this shiny-ass floor. The last time someone tried to sneak something into the rooms it was Joan and her sister stepped in the sardine can and screamed, which alerted our hall matron to come running. They got into so much trouble. Lame way to get in trouble, if you ask me, I mean everything here is so fucking strict. Like – let me eat my goddamn sardines and maybe you wouldn’t be accidentally finding anchovies in your shoes – which is what Joan did after she got in trouble. What a trickster.”

The only thing Karkat has been punished for is her language, and that’s just a slap on the wrist type of thing. You wonder if you can get Eridan in trouble more easily. Your thoughts are going too far, getting more cutting than what she’s done, but still…

“Do you think anyones been caught doing other things in the dorms?” You round a bend and Karkat nods.

“Totally. You know, my sister was a prefect here. She tells me all her personal ‘horror stories.’” Karkat jumps the top step that leads down to the kitchens. “I’ll tell you the worst – she, yes Kankri, miss purity, got caught with Eridan Ampora’s older sister in the middle of getting licked out – hah, Cronus got most of the backlash but still! My own sister. Rule breaking. Hah. And then the Christmas and Valentines balls are always a pot of steaming debauchery.”

“What was the backlash?”

Karkat opens the door to the kitchens. Her hookup is being a scholarship girl, which gets her in with some of the maids. “Well since it wasn’t academically related it was just a short suspension and a letter to the parents. Kankri was so ashamed she called me and had me intercept the mail. Cronus got in loads of trouble with her father but soon enough he stopped caring. I think that was a worse punishment. To have the parents not really care. Anyway, the suspension involved them cleaning and being made an example of. Kankri’s prefect badge was almost taken away until she begged to have it kept – can you believe she got head girl the next year!?”

As Karkat pulls you into the kitchens and starts chatting up a small girl for some school-buns, you consider if you would mind cleaning and being made an example of. Eventually, as a hot bun is put in your hand, you decide not. Something like that would be totally worth it.  


	5. Dismantle Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (do it slowly)

There are small girls, probably 12 or 13, lined up outside the door, tying their shoes and gossiping with each other as they put their hair into tight buns. Some of them are leaning over to take peaks at you. You glare at each one, making them blush gracefully and look away.

Eridan is having a private lesson, probably being stretched to the limit in there. Last night she sent you a note that commanded you talking about your incident in the bathroom. You oblige, but only by your rules.

The door opens finally and Eridan steps out. She sees you and her arms cross quickly over her chest. The ballet teacher beckons the younger girls into the room and shuts the door. She doesn’t notice you.

“Hey.” You say, following Eridan into the changing room. She puts her bag down and sits, unlacing her shoes. After a few minutes of silence she looks up at you.

“You were lying. I was lying. I don’t love you, how could I?” She puts her shoes to the side and starts rubbing her feet. Her toes look mangled from the pointe shoes.

“You know how you could.” You cross your arms. You don’t feel like arguing her manufactured love right now. You don’t have the time. “You love me because I want you to be healthy.”

Eridan stands up and shakes her head. She isn’t wearing her glasses. It doesn’t suit her, not having her glasses on.

“No, that’s unfair. You can’t decide for me.” Eridan turns around and starts to take her leotard off. She turns her head. “Don’t look.”

You raise your eyebrows but let your eyes wander over to the adjacent wall.                

Eridan continues as she undresses, “You’re playing me. I wish you wouldn’t. You have to stop, or I’ll ruin you.” She snaps. Your eyes go to her bare back and your heart almost stops. You can see her spine poking through her skin.

“I’m not, Eridan.” You sigh, sounding annoyed with her. She starts putting her uniform on and you avert your eyes before she turns around. “I just like seeing you squirm under the thought that someone else is capable of loving you.”

Her hand is hard on your cheek. Okay, you totally deserved that. Her eyes, now behind her thick black frames, are cold and angry. “Prove it. Prove that you aren’t playing me or I’ll get you expelled. I’ll accidently slip some information or – or I’ll practice my shotgun on you.”

Eridan is fucking psychotic. You don’t like being questioned about your motive – especially when it isn’t a good one. You narrow your eyes.

“Fine. I’ll prove it. Don’t know why I should have to, but since you’re so fragile, guess I will.” You take a step towards her and she puts her back against the wall, still looking at you with defiance.

“You’re confusing me so much!” Eridan spits, raising her hand to slap you again. “Stop it! You look at me so softly before and now you’re challenging me.”

“You challenged me first.” You snap. She’s so different from the broken bird in the bathroom stall. She seems to have her argument polished and ready to fire.

You love how you can track her thoughts as they run across her forehead. So much confusion, mixed with desperation and a tad of tension.

You step away from her. You aren’t one to torture small animals – that’s more in her line. Maybe you did have a crush on her from afar, before you heard her speak for the first time.

“Let’s settle this.” You lean back against the wall where you were before. Eridan started putting her socks on.

“Okay.”

“You’re interested in me.”

“Yes. Don’t ask me why and don’t tell anyone. It’s some sort of curse. Liking someone like you.”

That would hurt if it didn’t come from her.

“Alright, whatever. You’re interested in me, I’m interested in you. Don’t get a big head. It’s only because I’m watching you wither away.”

“No it isn’t.” Eridan is suddenly in your face again. She’s studying you and suddenly the tables are turning. Her eyes are whirlpools and you’re getting sucked into something too deep for your brain to comprehend. She understands that you may have liked her once and she puts up a very good front.

Good thing your parents want you trained to hack.

Eridan leans up to your noses are touching, “I’ve thought about it just now. Why would you even bring it up like this—why would you tell someone you liked them without assurance that they did too. So you can read me…so what? Fine, okay, I have a crush on you. But why do you even care?”

“You’re the equation, remember? I’m trying to solve this one.” Your words only come true in her mind as you say them, she doesn’t have the upper hand quite yet. You’re still a step or two ahead of her.  You’re already in a good amount of control. You didn’t expect her to crack to admitting her feelings for you so easily.

Eridan bites her lip and nods slowly, “Okay fine. You can solve me.” She presses her lips against yours and you can feel her shaking. She’s still afraid. Her front isn’t strong.

You kiss her back, harder than she started with, your glasses clacking together. Eridan pulls back and closes her eyes. When they open back up she seems to be at a little more peace. She kisses you again and lets you slide your hands into her hair. This time she only pulls back when her watch beeps, signaling that she needs to get to class.

As she leaves she gives you a small smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Trying to up my updating haha
> 
> Please comment and thank you if you have. you keep me going.


	6. Do It Slowly

A week goes by and nothing too drastic happens. You just watch Eridan force down a bowl of oatmeal and chatting idly, on the brink of an argument or a breakdown, you aren’t sure. She’s growing accustomed to eating more, but she still looks sick everytime you add something to the plate. It’s up to a full bowl of oatmeal and an apple. You think she throws up sometimes, but you won’t bother her about it yet. You can’t jump in too quickly.

Your hands castle under your chin and you watch her as the maths teacher drones on about something you probably already know. Eridan sits two seats down and one across from you. You watch her lean down, her hair falling around her face as she scribbles problems in her messy handwriting. You watch her adjust her headband, take her school coat off, cross her legs. You watch her move, her hands moving with grace as every move seems to be planned. She is eternally dancing in the space around her.

A week goes by and you suppose maybe something is happening.

Thinking about Eridan and your plan to control her is like a car-wreck. It’s gruesome but you can’t look away. You want to stop but that would be weak. You can’t stop because she looks at you sometimes with these eyes that you think about in the darkness of your dorm when it’s too late to be awake. She has a special sly smile that you have memorized, the exact shapes of her lips, the rate at which the left side of her mouth moves faster than the right, the slight downtwist of the corners when she isn’t too happy.

You know too much and you’re going crazy about this. About her. The only thing left to do is destroy her.

She still hasn’t let you be alone again, busy with this dance and that and looking in the mirror, fixing everything she see’s wrong with herself. She’s still insecure, afraid to be imperfect at anything like kissing or touching.

You’re okay with that. If you deny her, she’ll break and you’ll be done. You can go back to your room and your computer and you’ll be fine.

You don’t feel for her, you just have her face memorized. A perfect algorithm of symmetry. How ugly would it look if it broke to cry in ugly heartbreak. You can’t pull back, you have to carry on. You have to force yourself to wait it out.

You consider just stopping your communication when the bell tolls. Eridan gets up and comes over to you, “Daydreamin’ in class? You know you’ve been absolutely shit at this whole wooing thing, right?”

“Oh right.” You stand and sling your bag over your shoulder. “That’s a thing. I thought I was doing fine. I’m a minimal effort type of person. You’re high maintenance. I’m doing my best here.” You roll your eyes.

Eridan huffs and tugs on one of your braids. You narrow your eyes, “Okay, let’s walk. After class we can meet up at the big foyer and go on a walk.”

“Okay.” Eridan smiles and turns around, her short hair flipping around with the motion of her skirt.

\--

Eridan is there on the dot and she chastises you about being late to meet you. You raise your eyebrows and she looks down.

You open the doors and sign your names on the little book that sits by the door, just in case you get lost or murdered.

Eridan is wearing a scarf she knit, you can tell because it’s so meticulously tight. Yours is full of holes and loose stitches. October is pretty nippy, your bundle up and walk towards a large oak that sits at the edge of the campground. You watch her pull herself up and swing a let over the lowest branch, looking down at you. You take your glasses off and struggle up the tree, soon sitting against the trunk next to her.

You huff and pull your scarf tighter around your neck, putting your glasses back on and sighing. Eridan watches you and leans forward.

“You can kiss me now.”

You take the opportunity. Your hands across her pink cheeks as they travel to her neck, then her shoulders, pulling her towards you and kissing her on the mouth. Her lips are softer than yours, timid this time as you’re alone and can’t be interrupted. Your teeth get in the way and you curse yourself for a moment but she doesn’t stop, she just moves her head a little and suddenly you’re holding onto her tight, afraid she’s going to fall off the tree.

Of course she won’t, she’s a good dancer with thighs that probably are holding on hard. You pull her closer and Eridan wraps her arms around your neck, closing her eyes. You nip her bottom lip by accident with your large front teeth but she seems to think it was on purpose because she whines and bites you back.

Shit, you are so fucked. Your moral code is being compromised. You don’t love her but you like the way she kisses you. Maybe the peppercorn sized crush you had the first time you met would grow, but that was more up to her than to you.

Destroy her, destroy yourself, or let yourself fall.

No easy choice. Eridan is a bitch and an asshole and she has a queen bee personality. She’s everything you don’t like about your life. You will do nothing and let her just fuck your brain slowly until fate decides what to do. With your luck, you’ll be destroyed.

She’s doing it now, undoing the first impression you had of her lips and forming a new one as she pokes her tongue into your mouth with some inexperience. Your glasses are foggy and your heart it racing, excited with the small hormonal rush you get as she touches her tongue to yours.

Eridan doesn’t pull her body away when you stop kissing. If she does, you’ll fall. How, you don’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayy lmao i dont even know anymore  
> please please let me know how you liked it in the comments. thanks!!
> 
> tumblr: yungtravolta


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